The Boy Code – Challenges of Raising a Son
Tonight I was taking pictures of the clothes to sell on eBay and writing the descriptions of the items to be auctioned. Since I am selling my girl’s used clothes on eBay, I started to think about where I have been putting the focus of my blog and the time I spend on the Internet. What do I really want to do? Do I want to use my time and effort teaching others how to run a stay at home business or do I want to spend my time learning how to raise my children and share my insights on how to raise children? Or should I do both? I believe I will continue to write about both areas of my life, but I will be putting more effort into the how to raise children area of my life. Up until now, I have not really written about raising children, so I am going to dedicate more time to discussing raising children.
Anyway, I believe the source of these thoughts pertaining to raising children are from the book I am reading: Real Boys by William Pollack. Please do not think I do not care how my two oldest girls turn out, because I do. You must consider that there is a larger support system for girls as they grow up and go through the trials and tribulations of maturing into young adulthood. As for boys, they do not think that support system exists. If there is a support system, it usually does not extend outside of the immediate family. Plus the societal expectations for boys are confusing. Even to this day, I am confused about how I am supposed to act.
Even at as infants boys are subject to “growing up” too fast. As a society, we expect our boys to be tough and handle things on their own. Why? We do not expect our girls to be tough and deal with the emotions of growing up isolated. In fact, many of you would be appalled at the thought of not supporting our daughters emotionally, then why do we do it to our sons?
The reason we push our sons to grow up so quickly is because of the old “boy code”. The “boy code” forces boys and men into covering up their real feelings and to put on a front or a mask that conveys a message that everything is okay, even when things are not okay. WE get hardened through the process of wearing a mask and eventually lose a sense of who we really are and our true feelings. This is not what I want for my son, I want him to be able to come to my wife and/or I and be able to talk to us about what is happening in his life. I want him to have a full range of emotions and feelings and to be able to express himself to at least to me and/or his mother. I do not want him to end up like me!
The process of raising a real boy starts when they are infants. A mistake that most parents make when raising an infant boy is to try and pacify them when they become upset. Obviously, no parent wants to see their child in distress or in pain, but we need to mirror the feelings we see in our boys. Especially the father. Both our voices and our faces must reciprocate the feeling our son is going through. If he is sad and is frowning, you should frown and talk in a sad voice. This teaches him that being sad is okay, which it is, even for a boy or a man! Remember, you do not always have to be mad.
Even though an infant boy does not understand language yet, they are able to interpret facial expressions and tone of voice. So, if your infant son is crying because he is not getting what he wants at the time, you should not give in right away. You should talk to him and mirror the feelings that he is having at the time. Hey, you could even pretend to cry. The best way for a baby to learn is by seeing you do it. If you jump to soothe him and give him what he wants right away, you are sending the wrong message. You are telling him that crying is a bad reaction.
Too many boys and men are unable to cry, me included. This is very unhealthy. Too often, this repressed sadness comes out in a rageful fit of anger and things end up getting broken and/or spiteful and mean things are said. Adhering to the boy code, this is okay, because “boys will be boys” and this is how we expect boys to deal. Well that is just plain wrong! A boy needs to be shown and told from a young age that it is okay and masculine to cry. Crying is a viable and acceptable way to release feelings. If you stifle the natural action of crying while the boy is an infant, you are teaching to wear the “mask”.
Raising boys is not easy. Being able to connect with your son as he gets older starts when he is an infant. If you are raising a boy, I recommend that you check out William Pollack’s Real Boys.
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